What do you think of this story so far? Would you want to read more?

I really like this story! Nasir Jones is mostly wrong. You do have a lot of awesome description and word choice, and that's great! However, in a couple places, it did seem like you were trying too hard. But, those places could easily be fixed, because the reason it seems like you're trying too hard is just because not all of the writing is on the same level. Your word choice and descriptions- amazing. Your grammar use and sentence structure- sub par. The only reason the word choice seems like too much is because it is better quality then the grammar you use. You have several grammar mistakes, run-on sentences, and a couple of sentence fragments. But, those are really easily fixed. Once your grammar use matches up to the amazing level of description you use, it won't seem awkward anymore and will be a really good story that I would definitely want to read on.